12. Her choice



Watching this is unbearably painful. She runs around, splashing him with the water she gracefully bends from the fountain nearby, her laughter ringing through the room. That sound, the sound of her laughter, it hurts. Watching her, seeing the secret smiles between them that she smiles for him and him alone, the way her eyes shine when she looks at him.....it makes my heart ache.

Isn’t the hero supposed to get the girl? And aren’t we both heroes? So why does he get her? Why didn’t she choose me?

I suppose I can’t really blame her. To this day, she remains surprisingly ignorant of how I really feel. She is oblivious to how my eyes are drawn to her smile, oblivious to how much I watch her.  Oblivious to how I have fallen hopelessly in love with her.

Her sunny smile, her gentleness, her compassion, her fierceness when defending those she loves, her personal strength....I could go on and on with all the reasons I have grown to love her. But it is hopeless. She loves him. She chose him.

Then again, why not choose him? It is obvious he loves her, despite how shy he still is around her. They complement each other very well, and go very well together. I think this even as I think that the secret smiles between them sicken me. My heart aches to watch them, the waterbender and her beloved. The one she chose.

Despite my heartache, it is obvious why she chose the Avatar. Not only does he love her and she love him in return, but her other choice was me. I am Prince Zuko, traitorous son of the Fire Nation. I have deceived her, betrayed her, physically and emotionally hurt her more times than I can count. I hunted her and her friends, I tied her to a tree, I tricked her, I lied to her, I attacked her, I tried to destroy her home, I tried to kill the man she loves, and basically hurt her in every conceivable way. So even though I love her and she doesn’t love me back, a tiny part of me is happy. She chose him, rather than a good-for-nothing like me. I don’t deserve her, so I respect her choice.

If only it would stop hurting to look at her. I think she somehow knows that I’m in pain, but what could she do anyway? Why should she care? I am Zuko, banished prince, traitor, and all-around bad guy. She chose the Avatar, hero, saviour, hope of the world, and the boy who truly loves her. She chose the real hero, the good-guy, the one who truly loves and actually deserves her.

She made the right choice, but I still can’t be truly happy for her. I love her too, can’t she see that? Why does she keep tormenting me by being my friend, and then smiling and laughing for him? Why does she have to be so perfect – forgiving and kind even after all I’ve done? I know I should be happy she didn’t choose me, but it still hurts.

If only she was cruel to me, then I might be able to get over her. If only he wasn’t my dear friend and pupil, I could leave them behind. If only I didn’t love her, the world would be so much simpler.

At least I can take solace in the fact that soon, these lovers will help me defeat my father. Then I will be Fire Lord, and hopefully they will have no reason to visit and torment me further with their presence. At the least, even if they do visit, I won’t be around them both all the time. Maybe then my heart will heal. Maybe then, I will truly respect her choice.

Maybe.